Hi, hello, nice to see you here.
In Traditional Chinese Medicine, autumn is the season of letting go. This last month has been one of many changes for me; the first month of a new job, meeting new friends, feeling —despite what this season stands for— like I’m ready to expand, open up, and let new people in. It has also been the first time in a long while that I’ve felt like I’m actually growing as a person. Like everything; all the anxiety, tears, and discomfort that, in retrospect, seems to have been the overall theme of 2022, and more importantly, all the work I put in to evaluate and learn from what’s happened is finally and suddenly paying off.
In my living room, there’s a plant with a beautiful, braid-like stem that almost died this summer while I was away. All of its leaves dried and fell off in the course of three months. Since I’ve been back, I’ve been working on trying to bring it back to life. And early last week, it finally sprouted 4 new, tiny baby leaves. Every day since then, I’ve been looking at those leaves each time I pass by; filling up with delight at remembering how resilient nature is.
And I guess lately, that’s how I’ve been feeling too. I think a lot of the recovery and incrementally returning strength has had to do with the way I have come to reconsider and reframe some of the things that have happened, and some of the ways in which I respond or attach narratives to behaviors that have previously felt threatening to me.
And so, this issue is about reconsidering, and about the things we may need to give up believing once we’ve gained a new perspective.
I hope you enjoy, and(/or) that it speaks to you in one way, shape, or form.
element #1: wood
In Traditional Chinese Medicine, wood is associated with Spring. It’s generally considered a time of expansion and of outward growth into the world after the hibernation of winter. It’s a wonderful time for new beginnings. When we feel growth, expansion and in alignment with our lives, our Liver energy (also associated with the wood element) can flow smoothly throughout our body. This helps alleviate feelings of stress, frustration, and anger, which may be caused by blocked Liver energy.
In this section, I talk about one thing that’s been on my mind; an idea, thought, or a seed of one, that in some way has felt in alignment with a better version of me, of us as a community, or one that’s been expansive and outbound in a way that’s felt hopeful— much like spring.
Back in the day, my kindergarten would celebrate everyone’s birthday with a cute little ritual. Whoever’s birthday it was would wear a crown and cape, blow out the candles, dance to music and just… play. But in all two to three of my kindergarten/preschool birthday photos, I look unimpressed. Like I was there because I had to be, not because I wanted to. One year, my mom got concerned that I wasn’t acting “my age” (3 at the time) and spoke with our principal, who happened to be a pedagogue. What he told my mom kind of summarized how I felt until two years ago, when I finally turned 30: “Naz is technically 3 years old, but her soul is like, 30.”
And he was right! I think I was built to skip my teens and 20s altogether. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I had a miserable time for the first 25 or so years of my life, but more so that I always felt out of place and weird among most people my age growing up. After graduating college and moving to New York to finally make friends that I could choose to be friends with, the problem subsided significantly. But of course, certain deeply rooted patterns had already formed.
For a while though, my mom continued to think (and I believed her) that something was off with me because I didn’t enjoy things like going out at night (I still don’t), talking about guys (I still don’t), hanging out with large groups of people (I still don’t). And so, time and time again, I went against my gut, preferences, and free will to partake in activities that made me feel like shit, because all I could think about was returning home, to my safe space.
Kindergarten Naz (back row, second from left)
During all this time, I learned to observe people very closely and may I say, very thoroughly. If someone was ignoring me, it was likely because they thought I was too much of a “baby” or an introvert to be hanging out with them. If someone was being overly nice, they surely had another agenda (maybe they thought I would be a good sidekick). To give myself some credit, the stories I attached to people’s behaviors came from previous experience (I was stuck in the middle of many girlfriend dramas, being forced to pick a side, not knowing what to do, etc etc). And since attaching stories seemed to help me feel safer, I continued to do so, whenever I felt threatened or uncomfortable, without being aware that that’s what I was doing.
Quite recently, during a conversation with my therapist, she put a name to the thing I was subconsciously doing and told me to try not attaching meaning to behaviors I didn’t know the reasons for. For a while, I wasn’t sure how to change such a deep-rooted behavioral pattern. But about a month ago, something shifted. Perhaps, one evening as I was sleeping, the newest software download finally took place as I shut off my brain, and I woke up getting it.
Since then, things have truly felt new. If someone doesn’t say hi back to me at work, I can override the instinct of taking it personal (unless there’s a reason for me to do so). I am now strengthening the mental muscle of creating alternate narratives around why someone may not be super nice to me: Perhaps they have something going on in their life that hasn’t been sorted out yet and is causing anxiety. Perhaps, they’re more of an introvert than I am.
But perhaps most importantly, I know I can choose to distance myself from anyone who doesn’t make me feel safe or at ease.
I think that’s been the biggest shift towards growing up. Knowing that it’s ok if I’m not liked by everyone, that removing myself from people and situations that don’t feel “right” is an act of love towards myself, and my younger and older self would/will thank me for it.
element #2: fire
Fire is the element associated with summer, the season of growth, maturation, and abundance. The fire element is also the source of heat and energy which all of life derives. It’s a time for relaxation and play, and when the fire element is in balance in our lives, it expresses itself as joy and a general enthusiasm for life.
In this section, I talk about an ingredient or a tool that makes space and way for more joy, more play, and for abundant joie de vivre as it relates to the theme at hand.
Every morning, I take my daughter (dog) Kiki out for a walk. Some days, I look forward to it: Maybe the weather’s nice, maybe Kiki’s particularly playful, maybe I have some energy that needs to get moving around. Other days, it feels like a chore. Something I need to do, but would gladly pass or hand over to someone else if I could.
On one particular day like the latter, a gush of guilt took over me once we were out and walking. When I saw how excited Kiki was to be out and about, sniffing anything and everything in sight, greeting other dogs, lying on her back to let strangers pet her belly; I realized how much she enjoys this part of the day. It’s one of the rare moments in the day where we’re moving in sync, getting to experience the external world together; a great opportunity for us to switch roles and for her to become my teacher.
So this week, I decided to create a new routine for us: Walking to a nearby park on mornings when I’m working from home. No headphones, no music. Just watching and trying to model Kiki as she greets everything as if it were completely new to her, beaming with excitement and delight. We made new dog and human friends, got some mild exercise in, and I, for a change, walked around without listening to a podcast or music.
So the tool I’d love to offer here is to take any activity you do on a regular basis and that’s been feeling like a chore, and to try and consider it from a different perspective. Is there a way to approach it differently? Perhaps doing it at a different time of day, perhaps playing around with at least one of your five senses that come into play as you carry it out (changing the sound, smell, taste, touch, or sight that surrounds the experience), perhaps getting someone else to join you?
Once you’ve decided how to go about it, see if you can approach it with a truly open mind and with no expectations. And note what comes up.
element #3: earth
Earth is the element associated with Late Summer; that sweet, short time of year when it feels like summer has somehow ended, but autumn has not quite started either. In nature, it’s the time of harvest, a time of plenty. In our lives, it’s the time to reap the fruits of the work we’ve put in this far. The earth element is also related to a maternal, or mothering energy; to both giving and receiving it. It’s a wonderful time for grounding and finding balance again, should we feel like we have lost it somehow. It’s the perfect opportunity to come back to our center, to ground, and prepare for what’s coming ahead.
This section is dedicated to role models— examples from nature, from further away in the universe, from things that are bigger than us— that can remind us of ways to nourish, ground, receive and/or give, as it relates to the theme at hand.
The Earth is flat.
It is the Center of the Universe.
We can fall of its edge.
History is full of beliefs that were once thought to be most certainly correct. More importantly, it is full of people who dared to consider otherwise, even at the risk of losing their lives over fighting for what they (rightly) believed to be an alternate reality. It is thanks to such people that we have cures for diseases once deemed incurable, scientific explanations for behaviors that were once attributed to supernatural forces, and again, thanks to such people that some of the most now-mundane technologies were made possible.
So consider this: What is a belief that as you stand and read these lines today, you are sure to be true, but that would change the course of a certain flow of events, the way you operate in the world, or your deep rooted feelings or approach towards people, places, or things in your life?
Perhaps, to get the ball rolling, you can start considering the most certain of certainties like: What if there weren’t 24 hours in a day? What if teleporting were possible? What if you could speak or understand all languages?
Then, take it from there.
element #4: metal
Metal is the element associated with autumn. The organs related to the metal element are the lungs and large intestines, which are both responsible for our bodies’ elimination processes. Autumn, therefore, is a period of letting go and of releasing, but also of allowing ourselves to be supported and held. It’s a great time to be reflective; to consider what we no longer need in our lives and what no longer serves our greater good.
In this section, I suggest a question, an exercise, or a practice that may help us reflect and release, as it relates to the theme at hand.
For some years now, I’ve been trying to maintain a somewhat steady meditation practice at home (the emphasis being on ‘somewhat’ here) and one of my favorite teachers to reference is Tara Brach.
In one of her guided meditations, almost halfway through a 22-minute session, she asks you to consider as if life were moving through you: What it would be like if you could just let life happen, without having to do anything.
In another meditation of hers, she guides you to consider endless space extending through the crown of your head, northbound and all the way out into the universe, towards the furthest stars imaginable; all the way east, west, and south, through the soles of your feet to the furthest stars imaginable.
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Lately, I’ve been trying a practice where I consider the perspective of being hollow: What it would be like if life (and wind, and stars, and sunlight) were indeed just moving through me in all directions, to the furthest corners of the universe possible. And if I can hold onto this visual for more than 30 seconds, I start to consider what it would be like if nothing ever happened to me, but everything happened through me instead.
It’s an incredibly liberating consideration and one that makes me feel expansive, light. If nothing happened to me, then nothing could be directed at me. And almost no interpersonal conflicts, no rejection, no difficulty would be too personal or difficult to face, deal with, or overcome (unless it was, quite obviously, personal).
The links to both meditations are below, in case you’d like to try them out for yourself.
Letting Life Live Through You, Tara Brach (22:09 min)
Discovering Inner Space, Tara Brach (27:40 min)
element #5: water
As you may have figured, water is associated with Winter, the only season we have not yet touched upon. It’s an introspective element and season that tests our stamina and endurance. It’s a time to go deep, take stock, connect with the core of our being and rest, just as nature does.
In this section, I share a piece of content that’s touched me in some way, as it relates to the theme at hand. All you have to do is sit back, enjoy, and perhaps take it deep within you on your journey towards your very core.
Dance has a way of making me reconsider certain songs.
For instance, something I wouldn’t listen to while walking down the street can suddenly become my top track of the month if I watch something choreographed to it that I can’t shake off the crevices of my brain.
Growing up, I used to watch back to back episodes of So You Think You Can Dance, drooling at the TV at not only the sheer talent that bounced off of some dancers, but also the intelligence, wit, timing, and storytelling behind the choreographies.
One such dancer, choreographer and director whose works I closely follow these days is Leo Walk. His dance collective, Le Marche Bleue released a video (or rather, short film) last year that has made me reconsider Flavien Berger’s music as art that I should recontextualize, retrain my ears for, and appreciate in a way that is perhaps different from the way I normally appreciate a pop song as I walk down the block.
The short film is below and the song is called ‘Les contremplations’.
I’d love to hear if this strikes a thought or reference that has a similar effect on you.