elemental, issue #12
a farewell to november
Hello, how are you?
November.
What a month it’s been… Full of surprises (small and big, pleasant and not), slow and long, but somehow fast at the same time.
This past month was about holding sadness, carrying it, forgetting it during moments of joy, connecting with good friends, getting caught off guard, making new friends; seeing new places, hearing different languages, switching between different climates; feeling held, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted but also, overwhelmed and grateful. It was about letting go of expectations or the illusion of control and giving into the flow and yielding and listening to music REALLY LOUD in my headphones; about rushing through and waiting at airports and snuggling really cosily on my bed at home with Kiki and lots of rewatching Gilmore Girls.
So this issue is a reflection of all of that; a littie bit of this and that, a little chaotic and bittersweet— just like life itself.
I hope you enjoy.
it’s okay
I got a new tattoo this month (well, technically I got two, but I’ll write about only one).
You all know about my love of Angie McMahon by now. While in Lisbon for work, I booked a very spontaneous tattoo appointment to get my very first text-based tattoo.
This became my fourth tattoo based on her song Letting Go, and this time, I got myself a little mantra to hopefully serve as a kind of north star.
It’s on my inner right forearm, close to my wrist, and reads (in my own handwriting):
it’s okay
:)
a reminder
Even though I’ve traveled quite a lot this year, I still dread the journey regardless of the destination. For me, the point is the destination, not the journey and so, I need little creatures of comforts, trinkets and tangible things that bring me comfort or joy (or preferably both) as I’m navigating myself through airport security lines and border control.
There’s a short little note I scribbled on my Notes app while I was walking through the airport in Paris a few weeks ago. It was the product of a sliver of a moment’s realization, and it brought with it an unbelievably deep sense of relief, which is why I wanted to share it here, just as I originally scribbled it:
I have people who love me all around the world. I am lucky and loved and safe and cared for.
What a blessing it is to be able to think this and know it to be true— particularly when navigating in anonymity one of the most hectic, stressful and lonely environments designed by humankind. I am indebted and forever deeply grateful to every person, animal, and ‘thing’ that has allowed me to feel this way.
on friendships
Friendships have been a significant theme of this past month.
Approaching the end of the year means approaching the end of another age for me, which helps me think of time in two different—yet parallel—contexts. One is the more universal context that is experienced similarly by all people, everywhere.
In this first version, time tends to make us reflect on the last 12 months; perhaps drawing comparisons between the version of ourselves same time last year vs. now. It perhaps asks us to evaluate how the year’s unfolded (in comparison to how we thought it would) and how we hope the next few months of the next year should.
The second version of time is completely subjective. Each person completes their time around the sun at a different point in the year. This completion usually brings with it comparisons to external sources: to friends or acquaintances around the same age, to those who seem to have ‘done more’ at an even younger age, or to parents and grandparents back when they were ‘our age’ and had done even more than those doing the most today. In my experience, this one’s usually more challenging (or at least more layered) to navigate, as it tends to bring up larger questions and choices one has to (if she chooses to) sit with and honestly think through.
Since my birthday is on December 26, the end of the year simultaneously marks the end of another age for me. And with it comes a lot of retrospection, reflection, and ‘sitting with’ thoughts, feelings, choices, and things that have happened ‘to’ me without any choosing on my end. This month, a big theme life’s presented me with through all of these layers has been the theme of friendship.
I have lately felt an abundance of luck in the friends I’ve made over the years. My sweet friend Andrea flew in from Madrid to meet me in Lisbon for a two short, magical days. Adult friendships that go back to your adolescense/college years have a different quality/taste/texture to them. Dre if you’re reading this, I love you and I will forever be grateful for that weekend.
Also this month, colleagues have felt like friends more than ever before, for which I am also thankful.
In the least expected of times, my dear sweet friend Amir extended an invitation to join him in celebrating a career milestone with him in his hometown of Cairo. And in the most extremely out of character manner, I booked the most spontaneous trip of recent memory to meet him there. Through his contagious joy, generosity and joie de vivre, I made a lovely new friend and basked in so much of the love and joy and celebration he has managed to surround himself with.
I also, very unexpectedly, experienced the loss of a friendship as well. I won’t say much about that, except that it came in the most unpredictable, uncomprehensible, surprising of ways. At first I greeted it with a mix of grief, shock, and desbelief; before coming to terms with the fact that some relationships and people ask to be let go; and that that’s exactly what we must do—trusting that while it’s hard, not everything is in our power and certain experiences can only be felt, not understood.
And finally, we experienced the joy of welcoming a little one into our group of 5 best girlfriends. Our sweet friend Prerna welcomed her first baby, Veer, just last week. We are so happy that he’s here, healthy, and looked after by such loving parents.
To my friends who add my life meaning, I love you. Thank you for the gift of you.
LUX
Rosalia has been my lord and savior this month.
Since her last album, LUX, came out, life hasn’t been the same for me. I’ve listened to the album in full, from start to finish, no skips, around 48 times.
What joy and privilege it is to be living in the same time as Rosalia! All rejoice!
The album is an absolute masterpiece and must be listened to in order, without shuffle, but my favorite tracks (just for the record) are:
Sexo, Violencia y Llantas
Mio Cristo Piange Diamanti
Berghain (wtf??! how?!?)
La Perla
De Madruga
Memoria
Magnolias
the future is
During dinner with my super-unofficial-but-incredibly-legit supper club girlfriends last week, we were discussing motherhood and the challenges of raising a family and kids in these weird times that we live in. I shared my idea for a lavender marriage app (where single hetero women who are unwilling to settle for ‘just whoever’ meet gay men who are looking to have kids), which got us talking about freezing our eggs and paying rent until it’s eventually time for those eggs to become babies, and the seemingly ambitious and lofty goal of finding a suitable partner who will not only be a solid partner, but also a solid father figure, which led me to give a brief TED Talk on my hypothesis of what the future of ‘family’ or raising kids will look like, in my very humble opinion.
When I was traveling for 2 weeks this month, I left Kiki with my mom, whom she’s super happy to spend time with. However, I also knew that while I bring Kiki with me everywhere I go, it’s simply not possible for my mom to do the same, which means she would be spending more time alone at home in my absence. Without me having to tell her anything, I received a bunch of photos from my sweet sister/friend Pelin, who picked Kiki up on a Sunday from my parents’ house to take her to the park and then over to her friend’s house, just so they could spend some aunt-niece time together and so that Kiki wouldn’t be bored at grandma’s.
And that right there, I think, is it.
I think the future of raising kids is a return to the old ways of doing it in community.
I am convinced that the future lies not in individual relationships, but in community. We will no longer expect one person to fulfill our needs for everything, but rather show up for each others’ children, aging parents, elderly pets, and plants that need tending to when we’re away. I know this requires a lot of logistical coordination, but in this increasingly polarized world where we are being asked to forget our humanity, our only antidote and guarantor of sanity is to hold on even tighter to the people we love, show up for them, and remember our true nature.
A few things I’ve read and enjoyed lately:
Loved and Missed by Susie Boyt
The MANIAC by Benjamin Labatut
A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf
Currently reading (and loving): The Trees by Percival Everett
an ask
I would love to grow my audience on Substack. If you enjoy what you read here, I would be very grateful if you could share it with friends/colleagues/siblings/pets. <3
Thank you very much in advance! I appreciate you.
(This message was brought to you by my ongoing quest to learn how to ask for things…)
for Başkan <3
Before I bid adieu, I want to take a moment in memory of my sweet boy Başkan. I miss him dearly, and especially so during the last three days.
To my sweet little brother Başkan: I love you, I love you, I love you so so so much. I know you know this, but you are deeply missed and simultaneously in our words and thoughts every. single. day.
I love you, if I haven’t said it enough.