elemental, issue #13
better late than never? :)
Hello,
How are you?
I realize it’s been 2 months since the last issue. My intention was to write a nice, well-rounded, well-curated “end of year” issue in December, but alas, life happened and, well… I didn’t. And then January came around and I thought; “ok, I’ll make up for the last issue by doing a great “first issue of the year”, and then January came and went, and I didn’t write one then either.
You see, my life in the last 2 months can best be described with the following two words: On Hold. I’ve applied for a French visa (to move there), and I’m waiting to hear back. There’s no one I can speak to about the status of my application, nor any insights I can get. All I know is that a branch of the French Ministry of Interior has my application and is “processing it.” In a normal world, I should be able to get the visa (I meet the criteria, submitted what I believe is a VERY thorough application, etc etc), but the world we live in is far from normal, and so I’m awaiting the decision of my application, while imagining what life will be like when Kiki and I (hopefully, finally) move.
Other “life things” (work, family, friends) have also been sources of uncertainty and stress, but I have, at the same time, also been held by friends and family (and travel) who have shown up in moments when I needed them most. And for them, I am deeply grateful. And you know what? I’m also grateful to me for allowing myself the courtesy of skipping 2 issues, without thinking the world would come crumbling down as a result.
During this time, I’ve seen quite a few very good films, started listening to a few podcasts that are making me laugh out loud, read a couple of great books— all of which I’ve decided to use as points of reference for this issue. They’re here and there; funny and serious, heavier and light, and all worth being exposed to, in my very humble opinion.
I hope you enjoy.
thank you, amy poehler <3
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to Amy Poehler’s podcast “Good Hang.” On the episode with Michelle Obama, Amy says something that just. so. perfectly. captures the essence of many of my recent (or post-32) frustrations. She goes: “I think women should stop trying to improve themselves” and I wholeheartedly agree.
There is this tendency I’ve noticed among many of my girlfriends, myself included (especially during the last 2 years): Looking for new hobbies, searching for alternative platforms to consume content from, ways to reduce screen time (or be more mindful with what and from where we’re consuming content), ways to be more active during the day, ways to eat better (and figuring out what “better” even means), ways to take better care of our skin, ways to take the right amount and kind of supplements, ways to avoid overspending on things that keep getting pushed onto us but that we don’t actually need, ways to feel better recognized and more fulfilled in our work, ways to stay on top of what’s happening “in culture” (books, new musicians, etc), ALL THE WHILE (at least for some of us) also having babies and raising them the best we know how or going through the (physical, logistical and financial) process of freezing our eggs or, for those who don’t want kids, trying and testing myriad birth control methods that all tend to be physically (and financially) taxing.
There are some days when I viscerally feel the exhaustion of “not having done enough for myself”: Haven’t had enough water, haven’t taken enough steps, haven’t done my leg movements for my circulation issues, haven’t done my 2-step (or 20-step, more realistically) skincare routine at the end of the day, haven’t had enough protein, haven’t done my Duolingo for the day when it’s already 11.49pm, haven’t opened the book on my bedside table in 5 days, haven’t decreased my screen time from last week like I planned I would, haven’t gone on a date in however long, haven’t listened to the Bad Bunny album in its entirety, haven’t taken Kiki out on a total of 30 mins walk (so the guilt steeps in), haven’t figured out a way to improve my posture in front of the laptop screen so I feel like my right shoulder is turning into concrete and I’m getting a hunchback before the age of 40… And the list goes on.
Now, I realize some of these things are universal and they also apply to men. That being said: (1) I have yet to hear any of my guy friends feel guilty or complain about any of the issues above and (2) I think it’s fairly safe to say most of this pressure is either put on women through societal norms or by brands looking to sell products, or onto women by themselves to themselves due to years of learned behavior through social signaling. (For laughs — I had to ask one of my ex-boyfriends to BRUSH HIS TEETH some nights, and he would congratulate himself (or wait for me to applaud him) for doing something as basic (not to mention, NECESSARY) as that, let alone a 2-step skincare routine.)
So hearing Amy say this not only made me laugh, but also made me SNAP MY FINGERS and nod in wild agreement. Thanks, Amy. I agree.
on performances
I’ve been following Moon Lists (Leigh Patterson’s passion project) for as long as I can remember. I’m subscribed to her Substack and print her yearly workbook each December, to then work through it throughout the next 12 months. In one of the latest emails she sent, Leigh wrote:
“There is something very generous and rare in the permission to receive without performance. To let a moment arrive and remain untranslated.”
She writes this as part of a reflection on a piece shared in the The White Review, and prefaces it with this: “Particularly, I have been thinking about […] how we’re expected to respond to everything in the moment. For instance, to open a gift and react correctly, as if it is universally possible to summon our authentic feelings on demand.”
I found this thought worthy of jotting down, because I do feel like most of our days are spent wearing masks and/or putting on a performance of some form or another, for different audiences. It’s true that some of us experience this more potently than others, but I still think it’s a universal experience measured on a scale (ie. not binary). And it made me reflect on the last moment when I truly did receive something without performance.
It was in the cinema. Actually, it was as near as yesterday evening, when I saw Hamnet at a theater that I had all to myself. The film landed here in Turkey just yesterday, and I went to a late afternoon screening, where I was totally alone in the dark, cool privacy of the room. I think part of the reason I love watching films alone and at the cinema instead of at home or with others (unless it’s something fun) is for this precise reason: In the pitch-black darkness of the room, I feel fully allowed to feel what I feel, respond as I wish, linger for as long as I want, without having to discuss with anyone, wipe my tears, minimize my ugly crying, or reduce my reaction to something more subdued and digestible by others sitting next to, behind, or in front of me.
I don’t know that a truly unperfomative reception of any kind is possible when we’re in the company of even a single other person. But I’d like to leave you with the same question to reflect upon: When did you last feel the permission to receive without performance?
PS - Speaking of performances, I finished reading Katie Kitamura’s Audition last week. 10/10, would recommend.
on the things we share
In one of the recent issues of The Paris Review, I learned about “The Wishing Well”— a print personals magazine founded by Pat Bartlett in 1974. The gist of the magazine was that readers would submit anonymous self-descriptions that would be assigned a code number and listed alongside their locations, ages, and zodiac signs. Sort of like an OG dating app, but in print.
The part I’m bringing to the table—so to speak— is the writer Isabelle Appleton’s reaction to her own experience of reading through various issues of the magazine:
As someone who’s been on “the apps” for a few months now, I couldn’t help but think how bittersweet it is that more than half a decade after The Wishing Well was founded, the search for love and the vulnerable emotions that come with it are still so relevant, unchanged, and universal. Humans are still putting their locations, ages, zodiac signs (among other things, including photos) online, (for the most part) with the simple hope of having that information find or be found by the “right person”.
This thought (or realization) has brought me some comfort in the last couple of weeks, amidst all the unbelievably depressing global realities we’re being brought face to face with. The Epstein files have been released, ICE keeps killing innocent people on the streets, Israel is STILL bombing Palestine, the Iranian regime is killing thousands of its own people who have no fault but that of asking for a freer country. In its simplest form, you can’t write a comment on Instagram without getting attacked by defenders of one extreme point of view or the other. This even goes for something as lighthearted and “in good spirits” as a tennis game: I made a comment about something Carlitos did after every point he won against Djokovic and his fans started calling me names and swearing at me on a public Instagram account.
I think what humanity needs more than almost anything right now is to remember everything we have in common: The things that are universal— the feelings we share, the concerns we all have, the things that bring us joy, the things that frighten us, and those that give us hope. And we need to remember that such things have been and will continue to be true for the foreseeable future, and that— most importantly —they significantly outweigh our differences.
on beginnings
The final piece of this month’s issue is for anyone reading this, who’s considering/about to/or just has embarked on a new beginning. As someone who is getting ready to do so myself, I find myself in moments of pessimism, anxiety, and frustration (among other not-so-pleasant emotions) when the vastness of the uncertainty that awaits me registers and sets in. I’ve come to accept that in such moments, there’s little I can do but to let go, sit back, and trust that the universe has my back.
However, considering my astrological charts and the many personality quizzes I’ve taken over the years, this is not easy feat for me to undertake. But—and this is precisely why I love literature and art so much— sometimes it just so happens to be my luck that I stumble upon a work written, painted, composed, or directed by someone much more talented than me, who shared a similar crisis of faith many moons ago (or just recently) and decided to place a lighthouse in the middle of a giant pool of darkness, for future lost swimmers or sailers to find their way back to land.
This time, the words belong to the great John O’Donohue, whose poetry I immensely admire.
FOR A NEW BEGINNING
by John O’Donohue
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
He adds: “We are never as alone in our beginnings as it might seem at the time. A beginning is ultimately an invitation to open toward the gifts and growth that are stored up for us. To refuse to begin can be an act of great self-neglect. […] Our very life here depends directly on continuous acts of beginning.”
May his words land where you most need them.
an ask
I would love to grow my audience on Substack. If you enjoy what you read here, I would be grateful if you shared it with friends/colleagues/siblings/pets.
(This message was brought to you by my ongoing quest to learn how to ask for things…)
Thank you very much for tuning in & see you on the next issue.
As always, you and your writing are a HUGE gift. It always slows me down, allows me to breath more slowly and deliberately, read new and interesting things (your recommendations) and just think quietly for a bit. Thank you. I hope you get your visa soon!!